Let's find a decent, normal human being on the street. Found one...!
Now, we can all agree this guy needs a maaaajor redo.
First, we gotta get him a Bible!
Second, we must teach him to stop treating women as an equal and to definitely stop banging them because birth control and condoms are bad. (Dude, don't ask your mom what she thinks...she's a slut.) Also, gays. Teach him to preach how wrong being gay is. We've done that, great!
Third, let's get some repression and poundage going on!
Fourth, he must know to stop recycling. Global Warming is a heap of bologna (that will definitely decompose gracefully in one of the lavish landfills that decorates our great planet).
Fifth, we're gonna make sure he unlearns everything he learned in college. College=duuuuumb. Get yer buns back to basics...the Bible yo! That's all you need to know. Ever ever. (that's in Corinthians)
Sixth, let's get our guy (abs) here a few mill to donate to his favorite charity!!! AKA that Santorum SuperPAC! Charity is fun!
Seventh and most important, he's gotta start looking backwards not forwards! Bye Bye progressive thinking of the past...look past(er) into the past past past. Making no sense is a big part of what he needs to do now too. Remember that, make no sense, do it a lot, repreat the nonscensicalallity over and over. Ever ever. (also in Corinthians)
IT'S TIME TO GET OUR MAN OUT OF THE MACHINE....
And here he comes....good and REPUBLICANIZED....
ooooo I can't wait to see....
oooop, getting there........
and after a few graceful years of aging...let's see what our lucky bachelor has in store...
sooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!
Aren't we all lucky he got snapped up that day by our Fox News team to treat him to a Republicanize Make-Over!?!
That's all for now. Thanks for tuning in.
This show was brought to you by Rush, eye of Newt, and dumb observations.